A turn...maybe not for the worse though

Well, sometime yesterday between the time I left for work and the time I returned home Porter managed to cause some sort of damage to his tumor leg.  He was limping really badly.  We took a short walk and he still ate dinner, wanted treats, and had a chewie but the poor guy's leg just hurt.  He was still limping a lot this morning.  I didn't take the change very well.  I did ok through half of the morning at work but lost it after a conversation about Porter I had with a colleague.  I've been trying to hang on to my vacation and personal time...you know, just in case...but talked myself into needing to be with the dogs.  I could barely tell my boss I needed to leave.  The tears welled up...I couldn't handle it.  Something changed...A shift in what has been normal for several weeks.  It stirred up all the emotions I had when I first learned about Porter's cancer.  On my way down to my folk's house (with dogs in tow of course) I realized that I really didn't need to leave work.  It's just me and all those stupid thoughts I have about losing him.  I gave myself a hard time for a bit longer but then realized that those thoughts I  have about losing him aren't stupid at all.  I needed the time to be with him, to be in the company of those who really understand and could help me with the issue of the day.  Now I don't feel bad about taking the 4 hours of my little vacation time.  I got kisses and gave belly rubs and the pups got to spend awhile with Grandma and Grandpa. 
When I did get home from work to get the dogs Porter's limp had become less impressive.  I would've said he was ok and had just jostled it a bit but would mend.  Then there was commotion in the backyard...a squirrel I think.  And Porter just had to run out to see.  Wouldn't you know...the bad limp was back.  He even held his foot up off the ground a few times.  Dammit!  I can't not let him be a dog...be him.  He loves to chase after squirrels.  Now that I think about it, this isn't so different than even just a month ago before we figured out the magic pain med combination.  It's just different than it has been.  And it has been a really great couple weeks.  He had almost no reaction to the chemo 2 weeks ago and his blood work last week was aces.  He's been eating regularly, walking, and playing with Frankie (his little sister).  I just want it to stay that way.  It's been really good...considering.  I suppose that's why I had the emotional melt down this morning.  I'm not mad about it.  I worry about losing him every day, multiple times a day.  But today I was scared.  I had more of a reason to worry.  I was less worried when I was with Porter and Frankie but I'm still concerned he won't bounce back.  It's only going to get tougher for both of us.  That makes me terribly sad.
I put on a strong face for the dogs even though I know they can tell something's off with me.  So we carry on with our normal, everyday lives.  But I know that my worry will return with a vengance one day way too soon.  I dread it.  But for now...today we're ok.  We walked, ate, had treats and a chewie.  We're hangin' on the porch enjoying the nice evening.  I'm going to try not to think about tomorrow...or the next day.  One moment at a time.  Porter's teaching me how to live in the moment...and man, I'm trying.

March 21, 2011...a really, really bad day

My best friend, Amy called me the same day we got Porter's awful diagnosis of a bone tumor.  She wanted to let me know that she and her husband had had to put their dog Baxter down that evening.  He had cancer.  He hadn't been eating for several days but the fact that they had to let him go really surprised me.  I think they were pretty shocked as well.  What a shitty, shitty day.

I had texted her earlier that the news about Porter's vet visit wasn't good.  I hated to even mention anything to her, but she said that she was pretty numb and to just let her have it.  I told her Porter had bone cancer. 

We've talked about how awful that day was since then.  I hope I don't see a day like that again.  It was a really, really bad one.

March 21, 2011...a really bad day

I took Porter in for his yearly exam on Saturday March 19, 2011.  He'd been limping just a little on and off for a couple weeks so I wanted the vet to check that out as well.  Our vet, Dr. Murphy, thought it might be arthritis flaring up and decided we should get some X-rays to check out his right front leg as well as his hips to check out the condition of his existing arthritis issues.  We chose to come back on Monday for the X-rays because we had plans to go visit Grandma and Grandpa after our vet visit. 

I dropped Porter off at the vet in the a.m. and headed to work.  When I returned to pick him up, Dr Murphy sat me down to go over what she found in his X-rays.  She didn't get right to the horrible news but I have no recollection of what she said up until she put the nasty looking tumor X-ray up on the light board and said something to the effect of 'it looks like a tumor.'  It looked like his bone had exploded right in the middle.  There was this big ugly black glob of stupid cancer right there on the picture in front of me.  I'm no radiologist, but even I could tell it wasn't good.  She stated that this was very unexpected and I sat dumbfounded as she went into some info about our options.  I vaguely recall here discussing the fact that there were a lot of possible paths forward including chemotherapy, amputation, radiation,...Luckily she kept the information coming freely and I didn't need to ask questions right away.  She was so wonderful.  It has to be just horrid to give news like that to anyone.  I kept my composure for about 5 minutes or so, then the tears just up and started gushing.  I think I lost it when she said the dreaded word 'amputation.'  I asked as many questions as I could come up with having been blindsided with an initial diagnosis of cancer.  Of course I asked about life expectancy...I think she said between 4 months to a year.  I've heard several variations of this since and still really have no idea how long Porter will hang out.

Dr Murphy referred us to a veternary oncologist, Dr Lecroy, here in town.  I remember asking how soon I should take action...whatever action that may be.  She said 'pretty quickly.' 

Man, I was a wreck.  I don't have any memory of driving home except that I wanted to drive really, really fast and that I passed my exit.  I spent the next several days crying and thinking non-stop about losing Porter.  My director at work was very compassionate and told me to go home after I explained through tears what I had learned the previous day.  I left.  I went and grabbed the dogs and spent that whole day with my folks.  God, I would be lost without them.  I've definitely learned that a support system is very important to have in life and that an excellent one really improves quality of life.  Thanks Mom and Dad for being there for me and helping me through all the awful, gut-wrenching decisions I've had to make in the last several weeks. 

Porter's Tail

For those who may not know, Porter is my amazing and sometimes unbelievable Wonder-mutt.  I give him the title 'Wonder-mutt' because I just know he has a cape...hidden somewhere, possibly tucked into his incredibly droopy skinned neck.  It's also very likely that he has a screwdriver too. 

My name is Maiken.  I am the lucky one who has had the opportunity to share my life with Porter.  Porter will be 12 this year, and man has he packed in the adventures in those 12 short years. 

My brother, Collin, encouraged me to start a blog to share my experiences with Porter.  Specifically my experiences dealing with the fact that Porter has cancer.  It's a type of bone cancer in his right front leg.  I plan to write about how the tumor manifested, how we discovered it was a tumor, all the trips to various vets offices since, as well as many other trials and tribulations of having a best (canine) friend with cancer.  I also plan to share many other wonderful adventures of my amazing dog, Porter.  Some of the stories are just too good to keep to myself.

Please come back and visit as Porter's Tail continues...