Well, sometime yesterday between the time I left for work and the time I returned home Porter managed to cause some sort of damage to his tumor leg. He was limping really badly. We took a short walk and he still ate dinner, wanted treats, and had a chewie but the poor guy's leg just hurt. He was still limping a lot this morning. I didn't take the change very well. I did ok through half of the morning at work but lost it after a conversation about Porter I had with a colleague. I've been trying to hang on to my vacation and personal time...you know, just in case...but talked myself into needing to be with the dogs. I could barely tell my boss I needed to leave. The tears welled up...I couldn't handle it. Something changed...A shift in what has been normal for several weeks. It stirred up all the emotions I had when I first learned about Porter's cancer. On my way down to my folk's house (with dogs in tow of course) I realized that I really didn't need to leave work. It's just me and all those stupid thoughts I have about losing him. I gave myself a hard time for a bit longer but then realized that those thoughts I have about losing him aren't stupid at all. I needed the time to be with him, to be in the company of those who really understand and could help me with the issue of the day. Now I don't feel bad about taking the 4 hours of my little vacation time. I got kisses and gave belly rubs and the pups got to spend awhile with Grandma and Grandpa.
When I did get home from work to get the dogs Porter's limp had become less impressive. I would've said he was ok and had just jostled it a bit but would mend. Then there was commotion in the backyard...a squirrel I think. And Porter just had to run out to see. Wouldn't you know...the bad limp was back. He even held his foot up off the ground a few times. Dammit! I can't not let him be a dog...be him. He loves to chase after squirrels. Now that I think about it, this isn't so different than even just a month ago before we figured out the magic pain med combination. It's just different than it has been. And it has been a really great couple weeks. He had almost no reaction to the chemo 2 weeks ago and his blood work last week was aces. He's been eating regularly, walking, and playing with Frankie (his little sister). I just want it to stay that way. It's been really good...considering. I suppose that's why I had the emotional melt down this morning. I'm not mad about it. I worry about losing him every day, multiple times a day. But today I was scared. I had more of a reason to worry. I was less worried when I was with Porter and Frankie but I'm still concerned he won't bounce back. It's only going to get tougher for both of us. That makes me terribly sad.
I put on a strong face for the dogs even though I know they can tell something's off with me. So we carry on with our normal, everyday lives. But I know that my worry will return with a vengance one day way too soon. I dread it. But for now...today we're ok. We walked, ate, had treats and a chewie. We're hangin' on the porch enjoying the nice evening. I'm going to try not to think about tomorrow...or the next day. One moment at a time. Porter's teaching me how to live in the moment...and man, I'm trying.
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